Robyn's Journal

7:33am: Seasons for Change
I last updated 53 weeks ago. It's amazing how much can change in a year. I can even forget I have a livejournal account.

Since my last update I have:

1) Quit my job in January. They thought I was driving 42 miles each direction in the snow with my car stuck in my driveway and three foot of snow on the ground. I disagreed. They threatened a "write up", I told them where to stick their "write up". I went back in March when all the snow was over though.

2) Also in January we went to court for temporary custody of all of his kids. There are four of them. They were seriously neglected. By December the older two were in danger of failing class for the year due to excessive absences. She just didn't feel like getting up to take them. Their clothes were old and holey, toes sticking out of their shoes, both girls had lice so bad they looked like Pig Pen off of the Peanuts... I could go on, lets just say we didn't have problems getting temporary custody.

3) In March we got permanent custody. I hate being part of taking children from their mother. I'm completely against that. But in this case it was necessary. She's got limited supervised visitation- which she's never taken in a years time. Oh, the rants I could go on with this woman.

4) I also turned 30 in March. God, help me. The big 3-0. Ugh. That's all I have to say.

5) Dustin got on a kick of calling the police every other week for a while starting in April. It started with us leaving the kids at home with Corryn babysitting for thirty minutes. She's very mature and almost twelve at the time. We went ten miles away to pick up Nathan's (the youngest boy) new bike for his birthday which was coming up. He called them to do a welfare check because he didn't think that was a good idea. Nothing happened, we were legal and fine. But, once he got it in his head that calling the cops was an option he just kept doing it... over everything. It got to the point (remember, this is very small town. Imagine Mayberry) that the officer was knocking on the door and when I answered she'd smile and say "Your ex husband says hi!"

6) In May I GOT MARRIED!!!!!! Yes, same guy as in my 53 week old post. He's great. He treats me like the princess I am. There are plenty of issues, most of which involve our different parenting styles and the kids trying to play us, but we're happy and we're making it. In fact, we're going this morning for a family picture to celebrate our first Christmas all together. WE were together last year, but his ex still had the kids. This is the first Christmas with all eight of us together.

7)June and July were uneventful, for the most part. Nothing sticking out in my mind at the moment. August brought back that wonderful invention called school. THANK GOD! And, this year Destiny and Nathan got to go to preschool. Nathan's 4 year old class is all day, Destiny's 3 year old class is half a day and she's in the afternoon class. Four beautiful, blessed hours to myself every day. Destiny's a sweetheart. I don't think I would have minded much having her here another year, but I think it has been good for her to get out and make friends. She loves it. Nathan... I'm not used to boys. I needed a break from him. He's not much on school. He likes it okay, but he likes staying home too. His class is God sent for ME.

8) In September Corryn turned 12 and I cried. Little Roland turned 10, and Carlie turned 8. I took her to Build A Bear. I highly rec that place. It's the best. Carlie looks for motherly attention a lot.

9) In October Bradli turned 11. I re-entered the trick or treating stage of life. Carlie was Juliette, Nathan was batman, and Destiny was Tinkerbelle. I ached from walking for three days after and we've STILL got candy. The older three (Corryn, Bradli, and Little Roland) had a Halloween Party at the house. My husband thought he was being smart by staying home to chaperone instead of going trick or treating. Hehe, he figured out by the time I got back why I jumped at his suggestion and laughed at him.

10) Now we're getting ready for our first Thanksgiving together. Last Thanksgiving was yet another holiday his ex didn't let him see the kids. Karma is a good thing.

I think that's about it for the run down on my life. Thanks to Ash for the "nudge". I'd forgotten all about this thing and it's really theraputic. Who knew? How is everyone? I miss you all!

7:41pm: I have a what??
Eep! I've got a boyfriend. What? What's that? You think your eyes are decieving you? Nope, you read correctly and I typed correctly. I. Have. A. Boyfriend.

Yeah, my kids find it amazing too. They've been singing the "Momma's got a boyfriend! Momma's got a boyfriend!" song for a few days now. He thinks it's cute. I maintain that he hasn't met them yet and thats the only way he can possibly find the little rats cute. Then again he's got custody of all four of his and I think they're all cute from across the phone line too so... yeah.

For anyone interested:

He's a year older than me and works with me. Well, not in nursing, but at the nursing home. He works in the kitchen- which rocks cause I get free meals and everyone else pays $2 a plate. He brings me coffee every morning and says "hey, beautiful. Everything alright today?" He calls me his "angel". It's very, very odd. This is NOT what I'm used to at all. Anything I want all I have to do is smile and it's mine. I try to do nice things for him and he says some of the mushiest stuff ever about how all he needs is my happiness.

Sooooooo not what I'm used to! I keep telling him to stop with the being nice because I don't know what to say or how to react to it. He says I better figure it out because he plans on being around for a while.

Okay, end high school typed gushing. How is everyone else since I'm rarely online anymore?

7:06pm: Wow, I can't believe so much has happened since I updated last.

We've moved into our new house. I absolutely love it. It's like a little cottage and it's about three blocks from the school. I'm pretty much unpacked, except the wall stuff and the stuff I don't really know where to put. You know how it goes. It's got a huge yard, three storage sheds in the back, fenced in the front and the back, double carport, three bedrooms and an ELECTRIC FREAKING STOVE!! As much as I bitch about cooking it's kinda nice to be able to again.

The girls started school yesterday. Corryn's in fifth and Bradli's in fourth. That's going okay. I hate the first month of school though. I always have fights on my hands. Corryn gets a big head from being in a new grade that is always one ahead of Bradli and starts treating her like a baby, and Bradli gets sooo exhausted trying to readjust to the school schedule and stressing over school and friends that she gets... cranky is an understatement.

Things are going well with afore mentioned blond, built friend. We've discussed getting together sometime. That's looking promising. I don't know though. My paranoia is kicking in trying to tell me it'd be awkward, even without my terminal agoriphobia. You know, the whole parents are friends and known each other since kindergarten thing? Only, we really haven't. We knew each other when I was *in* kindergarten, but have only seen each other maybe twice since and that was a long ass time ago. Er... yeah, nerves are getting the best of me. Blah.

Lets see, other than that I go to work, try to get fired although it keeps failing, go home, and sleep. Yeah, that getting fired thing isn't as easy as it looks. I told my boss to pull something out of her ass last week and *still* didn't get fired. *sigh* Can't I do anything right? *wink*

Hope everyone else is having as good a month as we are. And, if by some chance Lib reads this... get in touch with me, girl! I'm starting to worry!

5:46pm: Here's to renewing old friendships. *makes glass clinking sound*

So, Prozac still working, obviously, or I'd be totally freaking out over fucking up my car by hitting deer-zilla. Deer is dead, car still runnin- thankfully. I almost rolled the thing and I hate to think of where I'd be then considering I work 32 miles from home and am my only income. No injuries though- other than the passenger side of my car. I always knew I was Nascar material. *grins*

As mentioned above I've renewed an old friendship. This is giving me much happiness. He's two years older than me, we've never dated, we were aquaintances through our parents actually. He's just returned from Iraq and never fails to make me laugh. Gotta give him a hand, that's rather difficult to do lately. I'm wondering about setting up a meeting or something. His mom and my mom have been trying to get us together (as in both entire families) for forever. I'm thinking that would be fun, but doing it without the families better. *wink* Say... me, him, his son, my daughters (hey, gotta make it look innocent) Colorado mountains next ski break? Tall... blonde... built... *sigh* vacation is sounding yummy already.

Still broke as hell. Add to the list on my last post that I just dropped $200 for new school shoes and one outfit each for church this year. Does it ever end? I already know the answer to that -- No.

Oh well, somehow I'm still chipperish so we'll just go with it. Oh! But the whole point to this was that I may not be online for a day or two while I'm moving and getting everything switched over. Three bedroom house with CENTRAL FREAKING AIR here I come!!!!!

6:48pm: Free education?
School supplies: $164.28

School Clothes: $526.32

The looks on my
kids faces when
they finally
figure out daddy
is a loser: PRICELESS


Why couldn't I have been born a man? Insert my dick, go until I'm satisfied whether she is or not, pace the waiting room while she goes through labor and pushes something the size of a watermelon out, then I'd get to be the proud daddy and show off the new arrival while mom bled all over the place. Now, years down the road I'd leave mom for a younger model, leaving her to pay all bills, watch the kids disappointed faces when "we can't afford it" happens, and not pay child support because who's gonna make me? The attorney general? The court system that ordered it? Nah, they're too busy for that...

Yep, shoulda been born a man.

5:01pm: Thinking about going back for my RN.... and that really scares me. Is it really worth it? I currently make... more than most people. True, I'd make more by about 50%, but really, is 50% worth all the time, stress, money, and anguish? Yes, I did say anguish. Deal with it. I'll have to take speech. Yeah. So scared. But Shea wants me to so we can go together. And maybe, going with Shea, it'll all be okay. Except, she's already had speech so she wouldn't be there for that. Speech?!?! Why the hell is speech neccesary? I know how to talk to family members and really, that's all I need to know. Pursuading someone that brushing your teeth in a circular motion rather than sideways just for the sake of making a pursuasive speech isn't really going to get me anywhere. Blah. And Art? Hello, your momma's dying. Here that rattling sound to her breathing? Yeah, means you should say goodbye if you're gonna. Isn't the Mona Lisa pretty? ART?!?!?! Hello? Not to mention the two histories, two goverments, Algebra, another English Comp (which actually doesn't bother me), Humanities, Sociology, Computer Concepts, and Chemistry. Yeah, do they want the fucking campus blown up or what? But yeah, art????

I don't know. Everyone's been pushing me to do it. And I really think after the year long battle and bitchiness it'd be the best thing for the girls both emotionally and financially. I might just take some pre recs, like English, first and see what I think before I go full blown into the nursing program. But then, if I take the pre recs, spend all the money and time on that, then blow speech it's time and money wasted, time and money that I don't really have.

Wishy washy much?

4:51pm: I finally got the sixth season of Dawson's Creek on DVD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy, watched the whole season in like... three days. I'm a huge dork. I know.

9:54pm: NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

State Rep. Mitchell Aye from Ga. This guy should run for President one day.


"We, the sensible people of the United States, in
an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure
the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and
our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guide lines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold
these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a
new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to
never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone--not
just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is
full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be
free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your
eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free
food and housing. Americans are the most charitable
people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of
subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than the creation of another generation of
professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet
peeve...get an education and go to work...don't
expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free
health care. That would be nice, but from the looks
of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to
physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in
the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't
be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock
you away in a place where you still won't have the
right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will
gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
you to take advantage of the opportunities of
education and vocational training laid before you to
make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to
happiness. Being an American means that you have
the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is
a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over
abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you
who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking
country. We don't care where you are from, English
is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever
you came from! (lastly...)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to
change our country's history or heritage. This
country was founded on the belief in one true God.
And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any
religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no
fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is
part of our heritage and history, and if you are
uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!


Thank you!

10:09pm: As my beloved flist members you are all instructed to slap the ever loving shit out of me the very next time I get the insane urge to head on over to bana05's journal and take a gander. Her racism issues get me going every time and now I shall go to bed before I bore half of you and get the other half mad at me for my response to her racism card post.

6:21pm: No more therapy! Wow, I love saying that. I should say it again. No. More. Therapy. I'm clean and clear. Gotta get a pap every six months for the next God knows how long to make sure it doesn't turn cancerous, but no more therapy! Whoooooooo!

9:17pm: Ten year olds and science fairs do NOT mix, people. Trust me on this. Especially not when said science fair is hosted by some girly girl ditzy blonde science teacher that hopefully might learn in the near future how to ORGANIZE! Now, I realize that *I* am not the best person in the world to preach about organization, but COME ON! When you send a bunch of ten year olds home with notes that simply say "Science Fair on May 17. Each student needs to have a project to school by May 16. This project will be a major portion of your science grade." Now, first of all, if you want specific things on these projects like say, the kids name on the back, or a title, or pictures but not ones that show the kid... please say so in the beginning. Please do not just happen to mention it to a couple of kids the day before the projects are due... you know... when all the projects are already done. If you're not going to say it in the beginning, please wait until next year to impose all of these new "regulations" and send them home in the original (not to mention only) note sent home about the project.


Done stressing now.... Back to retyping, reprinting, and regluing said science project before morning... yes... morning in which I must get up at the unlawful hour of four am.

BLAH!

9:04am: Happy Mothers Day to me, and Ang, and to Lib's mom! As a special treat to me today the girls are sleeping in. Hopefully that will lead to less grumpy kids. That would really be a treat! Corryn grew me a couple of flowers in school for Mothers Day. She gave them to me Friday because she was afraid they'd die if she waited. When she handed them to me she said "just don't smell them, they stink." But they're very pretty, and I haven't managed to kill them yet with my black thumb. Three days, it may be a record. Bradli gave me the usual array of homemade glued together and colored posters and stuff. I tried to convince them the best, and cheapest, gift they could give me was a clean house that I didn't have to clean. Of course that didn't work. Oh well.

Four and a half months into my New Years resolution and I'm still going strong. Or at least I think I am. There was the fling, but that's all that was. After all the anguish on how my friend would react I ended up sleeping with him once and telling him he'd gotten in the wrong line when God handed out packages and it just wasn't going to work. Yes. I actually told him. Damn, I don't remember it being that small! I guess there's a difference between a twelve year old virgin and a twenty-nine year old woman with two kids and some freaking expirience. That was just pathetic. I'd also like to mention there's a difference between lasting two minutes when you're thirteen and thirty! So now, I'm alone again. This time it's by my own choice though so I feel a lot better about it. It's an ego thing, I think. But, does that mean I've slipped on my resolution? Nah, I'm thinking since it wasn't something serious that I'm still going. Yeah, we'll go with that.

I finally made day shift at work. Oh my God, four thirty in the morning is fucking EARLY! I was completely determined to sleep in this weekend to make up for it. Yeah, guess my body is starting to adjust because "sleeping in" amounted to waking up at six instead of four thirty. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, wasn't happening.

The girls and I went to see Posiedon at the theater last night. It's good. I'd watch it again on DVD. Of course, there were so many times I was watching thinking, "yep, they asked the stunt coordinators and special effects people from Titanic how to do that." It was really very similar other than the whole historical factor. And they added a little extra gore to make it more modern, I think. But it wasn't bad. I'd recommend it. Of course then again, my girls also picked up on the Titanic similarities so I'd say they were pretty dominant. If you didn't like Titanic (Lib) don't watch Posiedon.

Softball season has started up. I love softball season! It makes me happy. Of course, the games that end at ten thirty, plus a thirty minute drive home, then getting back up at four thirty is about to kill me and making me very grumpy. But I still love softball season. The girls are doing great. Corryn's been playing right field like a pro, and Bradli's doing alright with left field. Their fear of batting "without a tee" is gone. They're both doing so great. Bradli struck out once in four games. Other than that they've both made it on base every time! Most of those times around the bases too! Of course, the last game was a little on the painful side to them. Bradli, apparently, forgot what the big metal thing in her hands was for and tried to bat with her thumb, then Corryn came home and rounded the plate to go back to the dugout, the pitcher threw the ball to the catcher trying to get the girl behind Corryn out, catcher missed, Corryn caught the ball for them.... with her nose. It's still sore and swollen. I'm almost positive it's broken, but not bad. Only one black eye, not both. I tried to get her to put ice on it and she told me "Nope. If I have to feel the pain at least I should have something to show for it!" Had to laugh.

Oh! How could I forget the pink hair saga? So, about two weeks ago Bradli came home "Mom? I want pink highlights in my hair." Well, alright. I've always let my kids make their own decisions as long as they weren't hurting themselves or others so why not? The kid got some nice BIG hot pink highlights. HOT. PINK. There was no missing her, even from a mile away. Apparently, this is a no-no at school. She was stuck in ISS for two weeks with the principal saying "why won't you just wash it out?" Hello, dickhead! You think she doesn't wash her hair every night? It's fucking permanent! So then we tried bleaching it. Then she had blonde hair with hot pink highlights and was still in ISS. Then we tried color stripper, back to brown with blonde, white, and hot pink highlights. On Thursday they decided she was getting suspended because she was in violation of school code #534-what-the-fuck-ever. Anyway, we finally got it fixed. Or, mostly. It's brown again. The hot pink is starting to show through, but not as bright and I'm hoping the blind old man will just miss it for the next nine days until summer vacation. *crosses fingers* What a load of crap. He said it was "distracting for the other students". Uh huh, they didn't look twice at her, it was distracting for his wrinkled old ass. Whatever.

Anyway, I should probably get something done around here while they're still asleep. For some reason it works better that way. Then, we go to my grandmas for Mothers Day lunch, and Lisa's for supper. *sigh* Why won't people just let me hide in my little hole? I like it that way!

Oh! But before I go, I have more therapy on Wednesday- yay. And I've started having anxiety attacks again and my moods are way not stable so I'm going to have to ask for an increase on my prozac or something else. I hate anxiety attacks! Blah.

That is all.

9:10pm: Because I was tagged...
Foamyfan tagged me, too sated to try to think of all the crap to make that into a link. Anyway... at the end I should tag people. I'm tagging you all. There ya go.

The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours....


1) I am scared of the dark. At twenty... something, I still sleep with a light on. Even when the kids aren't home.

2) I'm a submissive at heart.

3) I can't stand chocolate, except chocolate icecream.

4) I refuse to shop anywhere before 1pm, even if I'm awake. Empty stores are creepy.

5) If I forget and wash my face before washing my hair, I will wash my face again because I think it's still dirty.

6) I literally pull my own hair, big huge handfuls of it, when I'm trying to think.

9:07pm: Got laid today.



It was good.



That is all.


:D

11:53am: Happy Easter
Just a small little rant here...

Why is it that I carried the kids for ten months each, I pushed the not so little things out, I was the only one faithfully around to raise them, I'm the one that takes care of them when they're sick, I'm the one that gets my stomach all tied up in knots on TAKS day, I'm the one that feeds and clothes them and worries at the doctors office when there's something wrong, I'm the one that listens to their problems and tries to help them grow to be strong, independent, well adjusted women...

And I'm the one all alone on every fucking holiday?

All because he wanted a different piece of ass?

And I'm supposed to be sympathetic that he's lost his job and not mind that the child support may get a few payments behind?

And I shouldn't be bitter or angry? I should just think of what's best for the kids?

I DO THINK ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE KIDS! IT'D BE BEST IF THEY WERE WITH ME!

I fucking hate divorce almost as much as I hate the men I've divorced. Is it wrong of me to wish I'd divorced a dead beat dad that doesn't send the child support or see his kids? I really think those women get the better end of this whole custody thing. Why should he get to play super dad every other weekend for $75 a month when I get to play the mean, tired, never has time for her kids mom cause I'm working trying to support them and never get quality time because on the few chances I actually get they're at his house?

I WANT MY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, I really think my Prozac needs increased....

10:50pm: Happy almost four month anniversary to me! Well, in one hour anyway.

Yeah, so that out of the way here's my question for my dearest friends...

Lets say, hypothetically of course, that I've got this friend (yes, I actually have a real life friend or two). Lets say that this friend and I have been together since both of our oldest kids were born (a little over ten years). She's a stay at home mom, babysits my kids so I can work, we shop together, you know, the basics. Okay, but here's where it gets sticky. I met her because she married one of my ex boyfriends from high school. Now, me and this particular ex have always stayed the closest of friends. I've always been able to count on him- whether she could or not. I've even helped mediate between them when they divorced and still find myself doing so when it comes to their kids (who I think of as my own practically).

Today I find out that we both still have feelings. Me and the ex. Not the I want to get back together and get married and live happily ever after type of feelings. Hell no! We both agree that marriage and such is evil to the highest degree. But... kind of... companion type stuff, ya know? Go out, have fun, some physical stuff more than likely (since that's already happened).

Here's the question:

Knowing she absolutely hates him and it'll likely cause a drift between us do I:
A) Tell her straight up and be honest, taking the chance it'll tear up the friendship?
B) Not tell her, but not lie, after all it's really none of her business since they're divorced?
C) Forget the ex and think about the friendship instead, and remain lonely?
D) *Insert your own opinion here*

Help????????

9:22pm: Happy three month anniversary to me! I've been Larry free, not to mention man free, for three entire months. Wow, I know this is a record since I was like... fifteen.

I'm not doing bad. In fact, I'm pretty steady. Thank God for Prozac. I'll definately say that. My finances are looking... better anyway. I'm coping with stress a whole lot easier, and I feel better. Who would have thought, huh?

11:28pm: Good news and Bad news
Just a little update on why I've been hiding out the last few days.

Good News: Apparently I'm not having seizures. The new medicine I'm on has stopped all seizure like activity meaning that apparently it really was some Atypical kind of panic attacks.

Bad News: Apparently I have contracted two, count them TWO, STD's.

Good News: One of them is treatable with antibiotics.

Bad News: The other one isn't.

Good News: Neither of them is AIDS.

Bad News:Cryotherapy hurts.

Good News: I know where I got them since, you know, I've been with one man in the last two years.

Bad News: Murder is still illegal.

Good News: The nice doctor lady gave me Prozac, so I'm coping pretty well.

12:07am:

The Sudden Departure Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf) Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure. You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries. Your exact opposite: The Intern Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose. ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: whyeverly

Ok, yeah, whatever.... I guess it'd be somewhat truthful if I, ya know, wasn't ALONE.

11:39pm: Life without kids
I always look forward to the kids weekends with their dad. It's not that I'm ready to get rid of them... or maybe it is. It's just nice to have a break every now and then, ya know? This weekend I thought I'd really lucked out. Not only was Dustin taking the kids, but I also have the weekend off.

Problem is, I'm bored!

My house is clean, my checkbook is balanced, I have given myself a facial and a pedicure, and I've eaten pizza while watching my favorite movie (Sweet Home Alabama). I honestly can't think of another single thing to do!

Prozac is starting to kick in. Vertigo is starting to get less severe and less often. So, that's good. My aunt is offering to pay off the house with the bank so we can "get the ball rolling" on Dustin paying me off. So, that's even better. Unless he finds a way to screw it up. Which, lets face it, he will.

When did I become pessimistic? *sigh*

11:22pm: Fun Survey, borrowed from Hillz and celebrating my one month anniversary of being relationship free!

Fun Survey...

18 firsts

1. Who was your first love?
John, freshman year of high school. He was my first a lot of things.

2. Who was your first kiss and when?
Cris... someone. Linebacker for a rival football team. He was a sophomore, I was in 8th. A bassett hound coulda done better.

3. Who was your first prom date?
My *only* prom date was a girl named Tiffany, and she was only there because my *real* prom date got arrested the morning of prom.

4. Who was your first roommate?
Jennifer

5. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Marguaritas

6. What was your first job?
Cleaning the local motel

7. What was your first car?
1990 Ford Taurus- I drove the poor thing to the ground and then some.

8.When did you go to your first funeral?
When I was 19. Bradli is named after him.

9. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
*groans* This is pathetic... 27

10. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Jordan

11. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Haven't yet

12. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with?
Stock car races in Beaver. It was with John. My dad had a car and so did his uncle.

13. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
Susan

14. Who was the first person to send you flowers?
Jason, my shift manager/boyfriend (hey, it makes the work day easier!)

15. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
Jackass's house.

16. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Lisa or Nicki depending on if it's kids or work.

17. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid?
I haven't.

18. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Run into the wall trying to get to the girls room to wake them up. Every morning. You'd think I'd either learn where the wall was or the wall would learn to move...

3:22pm: Medical news
Well yay for me. After nine years I finally ran out of excuses and went to a doctor. It seems they think I should have done so sooner... This was acentuated by the nurse and the doctor telling me I was a nurse and knew better at least twenty times put together. So, here's the run down for anyone half interested...

I have got BV, she hopes. We're treating with Flaggyl and if it's BV then that will work. If that does not work we will start doing ultrasounds of my female works and biopsies. We also may have to do biopsies depending on the outcome of the pap. Yay... *eyeroll*

I have also got depression. Ya think? Whatever. She put me on prozac for that one. We'll see. I'm not too fond of the fact that I just got prescribed an antipsycotic. Do y'all think I'm psycotic? Depressed I'll agree with, but psycotic?

And, as for the blackouts I've been having... she has no idea. It could be anything from anxiety attacks to diabetes to mini strokes to siezures. She's hoping it's anxiety and the Prozac will help that. She gave me Meclezine to help with the vertigo until then. If the prozac doesn't work then it's probably not anxiety, at which time we do a full work up for the rest which equals much money. *sigh* Does it ever end? This is why I don't go to the doctor. I don't want to know!

9:44pm: Today marks the two week anniversary of me being officially relationship free. Go me! And no, it's not because the option hasn't come up. Larry's called and crawled. I'm still relationship free. I told him to take a hike and Corryn basically told him the same, although not quite as nicely as I did. Currently, he's living in his Suburban, homeless and practically jobless. The great job and possible promotion his abandoned his daughter (again) for (at least in her eyes) has fallen through. I'm not feeling the least bit sympathetic. In fact, I'm not even amused. Frankly, I could care less.

Mostly what I feel these days is content. It's odd to be completely relationship free after nearly twelve years of constantly being in a serious relationship. I don't think about things as much. If I get the whim to get the girls strawberry sundaes for desert, I get them. If I think one of them should be grounded, I ground them. There is no more asking someone elses opinions. There is no asking someone elses opinions about myself either. If I feel like makeup, I put it on. If I don't, well then... you get the point. At the risk of sounding cliche, it's liberating. My opinion finally counts for something.

Little things like makeup or strawberry sundaes for the kids shouldn't feel so liberating. They should be normal, every day choices. Thinking about this makes me fully realize how far down I was with Larry and Dustin. I mean, my friends all told me and they'd point out things. But, I guess I just had to be ready to see them. Love is blind or whatever.

On top of that content feeling, or maybe this is partially the reason for the content feeling, I'm finally starting to pay off some bills and get on my feet. It's odd. Even after I quit paying Larry's way I was always broke, paycheck to paycheck, scraping by. The only thing extra I was paying was a shower a day and a few meals a week (he never ate at the house since he was never there). But now, with him no where around, I'm getting caught up. I don't get it. It was the same way when Dustin walked out. However it keeps happening though, I like it and I'm keeping it this way for a while. Hell, the way things are going right now I may be able to get a house soon. That'd be nice. The tin can still sucks, although it's growing on me slowly. Monday I will be able to not only give Lisa half the grocery bill to help out, like I've agreed to do, but I'll also be able to pay her the $150 back that she loaned me to get the water and gas turned on to move in here. It's a good feeling to have a little pride back. I haven't had that feeling in quite a while.

Anyway, here's to another two weeks of growing and becoming a happy person again! *clinks glass* Happy January 14th to you all!

12:20am: Happy New Year!
Hello to my flist, and Happy New Year! I've decided, finally, on my New Years resolution. I vow this year to stay serious relationship free. I need time to find myself and my happiness. I've decided to completely block Larry and erase him from all phones, email address lists, and messengers. I'd do the same with Dustin, but yeah... another nine years until that's legal. Now... what to do with my time. I need a hobby other than being emotionally and mentally abused by men. Any ideas?

I'd love to hear all of my friends resolutions.

Reflections on this year:

5 Good things that happened in 2005:

1) I found out that I can be a leader at work. I'm not as slow at nursing as I thought.
2) I found out that I can walk away from a bad situation, no matter how much I don't want to.
3) I found out that home is where the girls and I are together, region doesn't matter.
4) I got closure with Larry after ten years.
5) I have found out that I've got a few friends that I can really count on and care about me.


5 Bad things that happened in 2005:

1) Dad-Dad died, October 2. I'll always miss him, but I'm glad he's not suffering anymore.
2) I'm broke again. (Gotta quit moving!)
3) I allowed Larry to not only play head games with me, but with my girls.
4) I got another evening shift job so I'm still missing out on a lot of my kids lives.
5) I live in a tin can. :(

All in all, the year wasn't horrible. It wasn't my favorite of all years either. I think it took 2005 to teach me a few lessons though that I'll be able to use to make 2006 a whole lot better. Of course, isn't that what New Years is all about? Hope and making promises to yourself that most people either can't possibly keep or have no inclination of keeping when they make them? For example, how many years has our resolution been to lose weight or quit smoking? Anyone ever do it? I know I don't. But this one, I think this might be the year I do it. I'm to the point now that I know it's what I have to do to ensure my kids happiness and well being as well as my own.

I do worry, a little, about how I'll feed my 57 cats when I'm old, grey, alone, and living off of social security though...

11:31pm: Redneck!
Anyone remember the old "You know you're a redneck when..." jokes? Yeah, well I just realized how much of a redneck I really am. Here's mine:

You know you're a redneck when you have a hell of a day at work, come home, and don't think a thing about drinking cheap wine from a plastic cup while munching on cold leftover pizza.


Oy!